1. Tinkerbell Hilton

‘Dogs’ lives are too short. Their only fault, really.’ So said erstwhile American writer, Agnes Sligh Turnbull, but when it comes to teacup Chihuahua, Tinkerbell Hilton, she of the diamond collar and designer apparel, we beg to differ.

2. Kitty Purry

We like the name, reflective of Katy Perry’s adorable and playful nature, but someone has got to save this cat from the indignity of another haircut. Shoot it.

3. Little Man

When was Cameron Diaz last in a film? News that she has resorted to washing cars for a living has piqued our concern that her demanding little cat, Little Man is making too many demands. ‘Dogs have owners, cats have staff’, goes the axiom. Time to give the Little Man a little shove.

4. The Osbourne Pets

It’s time dogs Lola, Minnie, Maggie, Baby, Lulu, Martini, Pipi, and cat, Pussy Osbourne learnt a thing or two from their Blue Peter counterparts. The latter are such shining examples of how to conduct one’s pet self beneath the unforgiving glare of the studio light, that they’ve got their own Wikipedia page. Meanwhile, the errant rock dogs poop on the carpet and lie on the bed. Line ’em up.

5. Bo Obama

We don’t think black-and-white Portuguese water dog, Bo Obama’s time is up just yet, but we do think he should be taken down a peg. We like him for his hair-retaining qualities, said to be less aggravating for allergic Obama offspring, Malia, but we think the goatee is a bit pretentious. Being a gift to the US president from Democrat senator, Edward Kennedy of Massachusetts might make him pet royalty, but America’s a republic.